Fart Stories

[gladdenguy]

Its the offseason. I checked Xavierhoops for the first time in awhile and I was disappointed. I know this group has some stories about the one thing that every human has to think is funny from when we are old enough to realize what laughing is........continuing on until the old age where we can still realize when in fact your body can still display such relief where church giggles are still relevant.

I want your most embarrassing fart stories....your funniest fart stories....your funniest stories where you had to shit, etc. Right here in this thread.

And remember gentlemen (and a few women), the only fart you should be embarrassed about is the fart you keep in.

[gladdenguy]

Some funny ones I can't take credit for but made me laugh

Was with the wife at target and felt the rumblings of an epic shit. Headed to the restroom quickly and settled into a stall. Was all alone so got my seat covered and got seated.

Suddenly the door opened and in walked a new neighbor. Something seemed off. Instead of the heavy shuffling of loafers or the squeak of sneakers, it was a sharp click clack on the floor. The stall next to me opened and as my neighbor settled in I looked beneath the wall only to see a pair of high heels snugly containing finely painted toes.

I syddenly, to my horror, could not recall actually looking at the sign on the door, then could not recall seeing any urinals. I then knew I had entered the wrong bathroom.

I prepared to hold out until she finished. But another woman entered and took the stall on the other side. She let out a small gassy puff of flatulence and I knew that I could not hold it that ling.

I let loose a simultaneous fart and shit. The type where they are small pellets if poo that hit the water with force. It took only a few seconds to finish and wipe. I buckled my pants, threw open the door and ran out as fast as I could.


So, I was at a bar in Chicago during a mid day drinking session. It was one of those poos where it feels like someone just punches you in the stomach. I struggle over to the bathroom and sit down. Just as I am about to unleash hell on the toilet, two people walk in. I am struggling to hold it in and all the sudden I let out a huge BAP! (Short, very loud and precise). All the sudden I hear a kid go "what was that!?" And his dad responds "that's a grown man going to the bathroom". I laughed so hard that I just evacuated the rest of my bowels and the dad laughed. Never saw the guys face as I was somewhat ashamed of taking a mid day shit at a bar. Still laugh often about it

[gladdenguy]

One as a victim

Victim case: end of quarter gym class progress tests in 7th grade. Mile run and 1.5 mile run were done the preceding two weeks, and now we're doing pull ups, sit ups, push ups, sit-and-reach (my best event, btw). A larger kid in my class is doing sit ups while someone holds down his feet. He's going hard, trying to show that you can be fat and still do sit-ups at a good pace. He can, too! He's rockin em. But he's ripping in in EVERY UPSTROKE/crunch. Loud ones. Sounds like an intermittent pneumatic drill. His foot-holder-downer kid looked ready to mutiny. Whole class stopped to cheer.

[gladdenguy]

There have been many but the most embarassing would probably have been when my wife and I were on a plane and my orange juice, vanilla latte and egg mcmuffin had been brewing for an hour or so. I released a tiny test fart into the cushion and instantly my eyes began burning and watering. It was the type of concentrated gas that could peel paint off of walls. That little test fart had destroyed not only our row but the surrounding rows as well. Of course there was chatter and groans all around us. After a half hour of holding in the potent brew I could not hold it in any longer and just counted on the cover from before where nobody could figure out the source. We as soon as I released an ample poof my wife inmediately yelled "Oh my god!" and I was busted. Immediately turned beet red. I could no longer hide in anonymity since I was busted. As the toxic scent permeated the cabin I could not help but truly feel bad for what those poor people had to endure. It seemed to linger for the entire flight. When I asked the wife why she busted me she of course said it was my fault since I didn't warn her. Thinking back, I probably should have.

[gladdenguy]

I've not been embarrassed by many. I went to a large high school on a campus with two high school buildings, and depending on your schedule, you might have to make the 8-10 minute walk between them. Because of that, we had like 15 minutes of passing time. Those of us who didn't have to cross between buildings had all that downtime between classes and used it to malinger in big crowds in the hallways. Obviously, we would try to find the largest groups of good-looking members of the opposite sex to congregate with. For some reason, this was typically right by my locker. I had some hallway-clearing mustard gas a couple of times, and my buddies (correctly) pinned the noxious gas blame on me every time. I'm an "owner" for the most part. Screw it, I figure, so I usually owned up to the disgust of, well, pretty much everyone including hall monitors and good looking chicks.

My junior year, being a 16/17 year old smartass, I would occasionally crank one off in class and act like, "who, me?" However, I had one jerk English teacher who took extraordinary pleasure in making life hell for our whole class. Once, in the middle of a discussion about Farenheit 451 or Othello or something, I was zoning out, and she attempted to embarrass me by pointedly asking me a question in a sarcastic "dumb" tone. I very coolly said, "I don't know. Let me think about that," put on my most mockingly pensive look, slowly and in a pronounced manner cocked my right cheek up in the air and cranked out a really, loud and really long fart that, after a brief moment of stunned silence, sent the entire class over the edge. I got kicked out of class and had to apologize to the teacher the next day to get back in.

Many moons later, as a 7th grade teacher, I had a kid in my class three hours in a row (English/Math/Enrichment). The kid was purposely farting during each class to gross everyone out. I basically would just say, excuse you, Isiah. Or good one, now get back to work. About half way through 3rd hour he quit and got real silent and started (I thought) working. Then the smell hit. Clearly not a fart. When the bell rang, he wouldn't get out of his seat until I demanded he do so. I asked what the problem was, and he said, "I was trying to fart and something else came out." I walked him up to the office, and told the secretary he needed to call home for some clothes. The office was packed with parents and kids, and I was trying not to put the kid on the spot. She kept pressing the issue, loudly, as the counter phone the kids used was about 12 feet from her desk. Finally, I just said, "Isiah farted... in 3D! Let him call." Mission not accomplished, as every kid in the office reminded him of that for the rest of the year. He did quit farting in my class, though.

I now work in my own office, and am free to let loose whenever I want, even though I leave my door open all the time. About a year ago, I got a new secretary, and for whatever reason she would come into my office for routine business - to ask a question or relay a message or hand me a document or whatever - instead of using the intercom/phone. I have bombed her out accidentally a number of times. One particularly putrid day, she hit the threshold of my door and I put both hands up and said, "Stop right there!" No good - the smell hit her in the face and she said, "Oh my God!" and walked out. Later in the day, I went out to her work station and said, "I'll make you a deal - if you are coming in and I put my hands up and wave them, that means I'm trying to save you from what's in my office. Don't come in! I'll give you fair warning." We had a good laugh, and I had to do that very thing a couple of times. Then, about a month ago, I go out to her workstation to give her some notes to transcribe and she gets a panicked look on her face and starts frantically waving her hands at me in the same manner but I didn't get it - I got a nose and mouthful of the worst fart I've ever smelled. She actually walked by my office on her way out that day and said, "Sorry," and kind of hustled out the door. We still laugh about that.

[paulxu]

Gladden, I'm starting to worry about the effect the off season is having on you.

That said, is there any way you could manage to bring this extraordinary skill to the Cinats floor during a Villanova TO?
Maybe just wonder down to their huddle, turn around, and make your way back up, disturbing their concentration.
Maybe MOR would have you to his seat a couple of times for cover.

[94GRAD]

I have not not cleared the bar out on one occasion(or 2)

[gladdenguy]

We could work that out Paul. I would be happy to help in any way to get a win against Nova.

[X-band '01]

I can safely say that 2 of my sisters will never allow me to go to Subway with them after I let an SBD rip in the car on a roadtrip. And this was a 16-hour roadie from Columbus to St. Paul.

[Nigel Tufnel]

Martin Luther King Jr. weekend 1992. Freshman year at X. My roommate and I decided to go up to OSU and visit/party with some of our friends from high school. We drove up with one of our buddies' (at OSU) older brothers. He was about 8 years older than us but we had known him our entire lives....and he was always the life of the party (plus, he could get us beer). We partied like rock stars both Saturday and Sunday nights. Sunday night actually became epic in terms of drunkeness. Our buddies' older brother (who I should mention was quite overweight) probably drank anywhere from 30-40 Natural Lights throughout the day and night on Sunday. At about 3:00 in the morning, he decided to go to White Castle, where he promptly put down about 12 sliders.

The next morning my roommate was extremely hung over. He had thrown up and evacuated himself in his pants the night before from drunkeness. The three of us got in the car to head back south. 30-40 Natural Light guy drove. My roommate was in the passenger seat and I was in the back. It was freezing cold so the heat was on high in the car. We are driving down 71 when the driver rips one of the nastiest farts I've ever smelled. The fart then hit the blasting heat in the car and went straight into my roommate's face. He immediately gagged and screamed for the driver to pull over. He barfed all over the side of 71 for about 5 minutes and refused to get back in the car until it aired out. The driver and I were in tears laughing at my roommate. It was/is the only time I've witnessed a person puke from a fart.

The same guy that farted in that car....about 7 years ago he was at an OSU football game. Before the game, he decided to eat spicy curry wings at BW3....along with God knows how many beers. He farted so bad at the game (outside, mind you), that people complained and an usher came down and told him he'd have to leave if he didn't stop.